Approaching Rivers

This river was as deceiving as they come and I fell for the trap. It looked warm, but it was as cold as her heart and empty like a bottle without a message to carry. The reflections caught my eyes and brought me in, hypnotized into the rapid waters as they dragged me down and I hit my head on a rock. I thought I'd die from all the pain that the river brought me but for some reason I survived, a miracle it would seem. But after it was all said and done I was empty inside because the river was with another, and broke my trust in the rivers. Remember hearing in my ear which stabs my heart just to hear, "I hate you! I never want to see your face again and I regret ever knowing you." The scars still remain to this day and I will never look at love the same again. We stayed up twenty four hours talking about whatever came to mind, but I never knew her heart. She was then gone in a blink of an eye and I never got any sign she cared or even got a simple goodbye. There I was watching her as she moved across the country, not even knowing what I did wrong or anything at all it seemed.

A familiar face comes to mind and I see the past peering in the waters, like a best friend that you reunite with. It gave me that feeling that you never want to let go or ever forget. But all the rivers flow short, long, and in many different directions with varying colors, some are rapid while others are calm. But in the end it feels like every river will dry up and I will be left in the desert praying for rain, hoping for my heaven to return. I see her still from time to time and I will never know why we went our separate ways, she was the one river that seemed to have it all. I want to jump in, I'm ready and I need it like a sick person needs a doctor. Her voice is still ringing in my ears, remembering everything she has ever said. She loves fried rice, hates the rain, loves older cars, hates people who aren’t themselves, loves to laugh, smile and sing and I know so much more. Her heart was pure and everything about her caught my eye, I couldn’t help to throw my heart into her soft, loving hands. But knowing this is all in vain, I have tried everything I could to make her stay next to me, to make her see that no one could replace the feeling in my heart that I have for you. Hope seems useless now and the feelings I have are now a crime. Remember sharing tears and laughs back and forth, but it was short lived and there is nothing left to prove now; so there are only tears that fall like rain. But the water was comforting and warming, unlike the rest of the rivers and the sky never shined so bright. The beauty wasn't only physical it was behind the skin that captured my attention at our first encounter, everything just seemed so perfect. But like all rivers we went away from each other and were lost in the ocean somewhere, goodbye best friend, goodbye lover. No one will compare to you, and no one will get me like you girl. You don't really know what you have until it's gone, at least that's what they say; I figured that one out the hard way.

Trying to replace one river for another, my paradise for something less. The waters weren't so clear and the water was chilling from time to time, but I needed someone to understand. The emptiness filled my heart again as I remember the perfect memories of before as I get out of the water. I can't live with the feelings I had for the other as I had another person to love and cherish, it was just another stupid mistake of mine. Another damn mistake, I wanted the other to see how much I needed her but it evaporated without a sound and in the end I was left alone. Maybe that's how it was meant to be for me.

Maybe that's how God wants me, with no one but me, myself, and I. At least I won't get hurt that way, and I could never be betrayed or confused to death. The rivers always in the end just kept hurting me and I tried everything I could, but as usual my best wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough for any of the rivers and I give up trying, I'm a failure in this area so I will just walk around any river that comes my way. There isn't another for me, not even one because no one will get me like the one I knew before. Everything is nothing without you. Colors aren't colors, they are all black, white and shades of gray. The stars are just empty crystals in the sky and they lost their shine completely. The sun has lost its once comforting rays and all I feel is the cold winds of yesterday. And when it's colder it feels better inside, because it freezes the wounds and brings me to a numbness broken cavity. The solution and procedure is simple unlike everything else in my stupid and useless life, its lock down everything I have learned and throw it away. No one can love, for love is perfect, and people are fallen; every single one of us are. When you tell someone everything and you end up with nothing but a memory and a broken heart every fucking time how are you supposed to care. When you put your trust and hope in that person but they let you down, what are you supposed to do? Its hypocritical to say "just move on and keep trying" because we all have had someone we thought would never let go, no matter what. We all thought that they were the best damn thing that you have ever known and then it happens like gravity and it keeps your feet planted to the Earth. There is people that get lucky and end up with their special person but my chances are gone and I've never been good with luck. I don't think I have ever won something because of luck, and I know that everything isn't by chance, coincidence doesn't just happen just because. And so I see that my heart is set on what I must do to survive the hell that I've dug myself into and stay out. Shut down the very thing that has brought me this pain in my chest; love. A lesson maybe I should've learned the first time, because when you search for love that's when you fail from the start and if you give them something make sure you know that you will never get it back, even if you try your hardest. But what do I know? I'm just letters on a page, just another drop in the ocean or fish in the sea; I hate who I am. So how could anyone else love me? Love is blind, its cold, its empty, its full of lies, bitter, and most of all it brings you the worst pains of your entire life. So why even mess with it?