My Mind Is A Prison

I'm angry
I thought it was at her but really it's at my self
Her glamorous image carved into my head
Cursed to remember the day I fell into love
The day I fell into hate.
A truly unforgiving fate
that I am destined to walk alone.
 A trail of shed tears and broken memories
I thought that she would see through my imperfections and love me for me
But I was wrong I can remember everything about her from the curls in her hair too the dimples on her cheeks.
You see I connected too her but not the other way around,
 a broken connection if you will. And now I am damaged,
cast away to a misfit island to live in solitude I feel so cold,
 I feel so lonely. I close my wretched eyes to only be cursed to see her flawless smile.
She is my Medusa, I stand still as stone when she sets her gaze upon mine. she will never be mine.
Sadly she is with somebody else, sadly she is in someone else's arms and I can not stand it.
I am an addict its tragic and she is my drug.
She is my air and I can not breath with out her.
She was the one person I was destined to spend my life with.
But things change.
I sink into the blackness of the ocean floor,
her light dims as I descend into darkness. I see a dim image of her slowly dancing with someone else, and she subtly glances at my way never to see me again.
A grin of contempt stretches across her face as she rests her head on another's shoulder.

 But...

 My mind is a prison,
With no windows or doors in my vision,
Just dingy bricks and mortar, And I etch days out with a rock or anything I can get my hands on,
The warm touch of the sun I long for as well as the wind, I just desire for this to end.
 These dreams of the outside torture me, But nothing like her departure from me.
 But at least I'm safe inside my mind,
And the memories I make are mine not shared and branded on my skin, infecting my flesh like twisted sin,
Better than being taken captive by love, Solitary confinement is more than enough, To play keep away from everyone,
As years progress from the months.

Perhaps I have adapted to loving my own mind-induced prison,
My slice of paradise where its just me and my mirage apparitions.
 All I have is the words chipped out of these walls, no one to step on me, enthrall me then maul my heart like a hungry bear,
No one to compare me, or say they don't care,
Just me and my fortress of barbed wire brick walled protection,
No more feeble feelings just my sad cracked reflection.

Coruscating Soul

The Fiery Albatross

Crossroads, intersections, and numerous directions.
And on every corner it claims its a one way street,
Pains hiding under the pavement,
The stop signs have a bullet hole through the O,
I went down one road in a guess, and I go with the flow,
I here the sound of sirens as I mess my life up,
Then when I recover with the scars, I find my way back,
The ghastly streets in many different directions, but which one will I choose?
Some demise of my defeat, and others claim I'll lose,
Meeting them like a arch-nemesis,
I take a beating again except this time no sirens,
I wake with the bruises,
For God's sake, I am broken.
The truth hit me and it bit me.
The crossroads still come and go time and time again,
I used to go down one road in a guess, and I now go against the tide,
Because God has blessed the fiery albatross, His plan is perfect,
He is the mastermind and I can only see the big picture in a key hole perspective,
Optimistic in any circumstance, contentment with nothing but Him,
He is my rock, my right hand, my fortress, and my salvation who can stand against me?
Who can take me down?

Falling in Love

I see her, its difficult as I espied you,
My eyes capture your every move, every curve and sway,
The way you walk it is like there are clouds below your feet,
I meet you in mid-smile and laughs that follow,
You are there and I can reach out and touch you,
Every second that goes by with you makes up the days without you,
I cherish her like no other and am willing to go the distance for her,
Her voice is something I can feel throughout my body, when she speaks I shut up,
Taking in every word and every moment like the air I breathe,
The equanimity and stillness is in your song, in the nature of you.
I feel the gravity be lifted off my shoulders when you are near,
You have chased all the fear and regret away,
I'm falling in love with you, I can't help it,
Remembering my lugubrious state I once was in,
Now your risible actions are provoking, and overpowering.
You give me that feeling I can't forget,
She is my angel, my star, my heart's first aid.
I am yours and I'm not afraid,
So open the doors of your heart,
Open them so we can start,
I'm in love with you can't you see,
So do you want to fall with me?

Approaching Rivers

This river was as deceiving as they come and I fell for the trap. It looked warm, but it was as cold as her heart and empty like a bottle without a message to carry. The reflections caught my eyes and brought me in, hypnotized into the rapid waters as they dragged me down and I hit my head on a rock. I thought I'd die from all the pain that the river brought me but for some reason I survived, a miracle it would seem. But after it was all said and done I was empty inside because the river was with another, and broke my trust in the rivers. Remember hearing in my ear which stabs my heart just to hear, "I hate you! I never want to see your face again and I regret ever knowing you." The scars still remain to this day and I will never look at love the same again. We stayed up twenty four hours talking about whatever came to mind, but I never knew her heart. She was then gone in a blink of an eye and I never got any sign she cared or even got a simple goodbye. There I was watching her as she moved across the country, not even knowing what I did wrong or anything at all it seemed.

A familiar face comes to mind and I see the past peering in the waters, like a best friend that you reunite with. It gave me that feeling that you never want to let go or ever forget. But all the rivers flow short, long, and in many different directions with varying colors, some are rapid while others are calm. But in the end it feels like every river will dry up and I will be left in the desert praying for rain, hoping for my heaven to return. I see her still from time to time and I will never know why we went our separate ways, she was the one river that seemed to have it all. I want to jump in, I'm ready and I need it like a sick person needs a doctor. Her voice is still ringing in my ears, remembering everything she has ever said. She loves fried rice, hates the rain, loves older cars, hates people who aren’t themselves, loves to laugh, smile and sing and I know so much more. Her heart was pure and everything about her caught my eye, I couldn’t help to throw my heart into her soft, loving hands. But knowing this is all in vain, I have tried everything I could to make her stay next to me, to make her see that no one could replace the feeling in my heart that I have for you. Hope seems useless now and the feelings I have are now a crime. Remember sharing tears and laughs back and forth, but it was short lived and there is nothing left to prove now; so there are only tears that fall like rain. But the water was comforting and warming, unlike the rest of the rivers and the sky never shined so bright. The beauty wasn't only physical it was behind the skin that captured my attention at our first encounter, everything just seemed so perfect. But like all rivers we went away from each other and were lost in the ocean somewhere, goodbye best friend, goodbye lover. No one will compare to you, and no one will get me like you girl. You don't really know what you have until it's gone, at least that's what they say; I figured that one out the hard way.

Trying to replace one river for another, my paradise for something less. The waters weren't so clear and the water was chilling from time to time, but I needed someone to understand. The emptiness filled my heart again as I remember the perfect memories of before as I get out of the water. I can't live with the feelings I had for the other as I had another person to love and cherish, it was just another stupid mistake of mine. Another damn mistake, I wanted the other to see how much I needed her but it evaporated without a sound and in the end I was left alone. Maybe that's how it was meant to be for me.

Maybe that's how God wants me, with no one but me, myself, and I. At least I won't get hurt that way, and I could never be betrayed or confused to death. The rivers always in the end just kept hurting me and I tried everything I could, but as usual my best wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough for any of the rivers and I give up trying, I'm a failure in this area so I will just walk around any river that comes my way. There isn't another for me, not even one because no one will get me like the one I knew before. Everything is nothing without you. Colors aren't colors, they are all black, white and shades of gray. The stars are just empty crystals in the sky and they lost their shine completely. The sun has lost its once comforting rays and all I feel is the cold winds of yesterday. And when it's colder it feels better inside, because it freezes the wounds and brings me to a numbness broken cavity. The solution and procedure is simple unlike everything else in my stupid and useless life, its lock down everything I have learned and throw it away. No one can love, for love is perfect, and people are fallen; every single one of us are. When you tell someone everything and you end up with nothing but a memory and a broken heart every fucking time how are you supposed to care. When you put your trust and hope in that person but they let you down, what are you supposed to do? Its hypocritical to say "just move on and keep trying" because we all have had someone we thought would never let go, no matter what. We all thought that they were the best damn thing that you have ever known and then it happens like gravity and it keeps your feet planted to the Earth. There is people that get lucky and end up with their special person but my chances are gone and I've never been good with luck. I don't think I have ever won something because of luck, and I know that everything isn't by chance, coincidence doesn't just happen just because. And so I see that my heart is set on what I must do to survive the hell that I've dug myself into and stay out. Shut down the very thing that has brought me this pain in my chest; love. A lesson maybe I should've learned the first time, because when you search for love that's when you fail from the start and if you give them something make sure you know that you will never get it back, even if you try your hardest. But what do I know? I'm just letters on a page, just another drop in the ocean or fish in the sea; I hate who I am. So how could anyone else love me? Love is blind, its cold, its empty, its full of lies, bitter, and most of all it brings you the worst pains of your entire life. So why even mess with it?

What A Wonderful World?

Empty skies, Empty faces.
Full of lies, and broken places.
People look into each others eyes then fight over spaces,
What a wonderful world?
People selling others,
Brothers killing brothers,
Children taken from their mothers,
Clouds of pollution, and blood stained red roses.
There is a solution, but you have to lead the revolution.
What a wonderful world?
Hearts breaking, homes and families shattered,
They say the grass is greener on the other side,
But what day? For people have died in vain,
Every second of every day,
Even over what they say.
What a wonderful world?
Nations fall, people are ignorant to the truth.
Truth calls, but nobody listens.
Slave, gangs and corrupt governments make up the worlds glistening shine,
So define "fine",
What a wonderful world?

The Boring Story

A month or so ago, on a Saturday morning I literally rolled out of bed to the sound of the alarm clock which I failed to hit the snooze button or even change the alarm time the night before; it was 7:30am. My mom was already awake for some reason and I wanted to try and figure out why... But first I took a shower, which of course it is cold because my whole family are hot water hogs. So after about five minutes I was out, and my mom was gone. Probably went to go get a Starbuck's coffee, so I just turned on the television and watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Pinky and the Brain reruns. Then after, once my mom returned, I spent the longest time I have ever spent in Walgreens, which is what I call "the Wall" for good reasons. I think
I should've got some sort of a award for spending five hours of my life in this "fun filled store". Actually truth be told I was bored to death, (which makes sense because this is supposed to be a boring story) you know you are bored when you are going in and out of the automatic doors again and again for your own entertainment. Why did we spend so long in this store? Because my mom couldn't make up her freaking mind on what graduation announcements she wanted to get, yep being a senior is full of fun.... NOT! Then when I got home I played Resident Evil 5 while blasting the music, I think one of the songs was "Bad To The Bone" by George Therogood. I changed my alarm time, brushed my teeth, then I finally fell asleep around 11:30 pm.

My Weakness

My greatest strength is also my strongest weakness,
But my weakness is you,
The very thing that brings me to my knees in a single moment,
You hold the key to my heart, you're the only one that will fit,
And I'm scared that you don't care a bit.
The secrets are all in your hands and you can tear me down,
Everything I hold dear is behind your eyes,
No one can replace that, no one can give me that feeling that you do.
I'm addicted to my weakness, like a drug,
But I hope you stick with me, and if you're love is a drug,
My habit cannot be broken,
For every dream and every thought still goes back to you,
I try to train my brain but my heart overcomes it.
The butterflies in my stomach still swooshing around, somewhere.
They are attempting to find your heart, but it seems to be gone,
I sang you the deepest most sincere song but you didn't hear the words,
I rang on your doorbell until my fingers bled but you never answered,
And now my love for you spreads like a cancer, and it's killing me,
My weakness is you,
It's when you are gone away,
The skies used to be just gray when you left me for a day or two,
But now that I don't hear the words "I love you",
I feel as empty as the heart within my chest, you stopped it from beating,
And it won't stop bleeding, I cry oceans and swim, but you are never there...
The lights are dim, and the air is thin,
And now are love feels like a sin, and it kills me.

The Embarrassing Moment

I remember when I was a kid about seven years old and the world was my playground. Nothing held me back and I was a walking demon seed as my mom put it, but I hope that I came a little bit further since then. Anyway I got a huge ball pit that I put in a rocking tent, that was a week earlier, it was the coolest thing. I had to tell someone about it someone who didn't care because I was a kid and I didn't care about a thing. So I was at the mall and I tugged on a man's big coat, he turned and the face he made was the "What-do-you-want? face". And I said to him: "I have big balls" then the man's face changed to the "What-the-crap? face". My mom then had to explain afterward to the man the situation but it was embarrassing now.

I Simply Need You

I see you there,
It makes the air thick,
There is so much I want to share with you, as I exhale,
And I still cherish every little thing you do,
but if we can't be lovers, can we at least be friends?
My emotions tend to get the best of me when you're not around,
You're the only sound that appeals to my ears,
My greatest strength also lies my deepest fears,
And these eyes disposed tears, never stopping for you,
Your words have left me here all alone.
A canvass of memories is in my arms,
While I run the race of life.
The memories are heavy and causing strife.
The mistakes I've made reveals God's grace,
And I can see the face of love,
As the fire in my heart burns on
Even art and song can't fathom
Your eyes are the only ones I've connected with,
You put on your disguise and hide
But I know what is inside and you can't escape the shadow that's always there,
I look at the road ahead and all the signs point to you,
I'm at the intersection, confusion now fills the streets.
You tell me that I'm the only one you've felt more connected to; but I feel galaxies away, Do you feel it?
Rejected time and time again
Pretending I'm fine
But sending love to you in every line. Maybe you will read this one day,
Your name still has meaning, I want you to know,
And all I want is for things to be the same,
Like the world we once knew.
Or just start new, so here's my hello,
please don't say goodbye. I need you.